| On
Death and Other Unpleasantries
by
Mary Sanford
---Over the past year
I have been beset by 2 major tragedies in my life- the sudden
passing of my dear wonderful Godfrey, a Lab/ Newfoundland combination
platter, the Wonder Dog and Champion of the World, and my brother Rick,
who committed suicide 4 months later.
---In both cases my heart was broken, but
for different reasons. Godfrey was a pal when I was seemingly friendless.
He helped me survive the 3 big D’s in my life- divorce, my dissertation,
and the death of my mother. He regularly gave 200%. He taught me to
value excellence in myself and in others, to never turn down treats,
and to see the good even in mushrooms. He personified perseverance-
he was the best runner, jumper, swimmer, catcher, and rock collector.
He also excelled at the fine art of mooching donuts off tables when
no one was looking. It is important to be good at something in this
life, and he was good at many things.
---On the other hand, my brother Rick was
moodiness personified. He was an angry, bitter person who adored baseball,
his beautiful daughter Sarah, age 25, and nature. We were drastically
different people who rarely had a civil conversation, but during tough
times, he always stepped to the plate for me.
---For instance, back during the February
2000 earthquake it was Rick who called to check on me, not my other
East coast siblings. After a day of pretending to be brave with my community
college students, his phone call brought much needed love and comfort.
---“I can come, little Sis. I’ll
have to take a Greyhound bus and it’ll take me 3 days, but I ‘ll
come, if you want me to.”
---I appreciated his kindness then, and
even more so now that he is gone. He chose to kill himself violently,
graphically, and without warning, by standing in front of a westbound
train, heading to Manhattan.
---I received the news at the airport as
I headed back to Seattle. I
was laden down with bagels, pizza, egg rolls, and all matter of NY treats,
along with the detritus of a hectic Christmas- lots of well-meaning
but dopey presents and ‘way too much luggage. Why do I always
pack so much?
---I was also tired and wigged out by having
to drive after a snowstorm on Christmas Day.
---“Drive?! “ I said to my
sister, incredulously. “ It’s snowing! You want me to drive
a half hour and take Dad home? I don’t drive in the snow. It snows
2 inches in Seattle and I stay home from work!”
---Clearly I have been gone too long. Yes,
I drove. And yes, I was not a happy camper.
---Now, at the airport, I looked forward
to seeing rainy Seattle, to having a strong cuppa joe, and a gushing
hot shower. Don’t get me wrong-NY is wonderful- I was raised close
to Manhattan-, and New Yorkers, (I’m still one), are totally fun
to be with. But now it was time to come home.
---I schlepped up to the Southwest ticket
counter, where the nice agent didn’t even blink over my bags,
onion bagels reeking, and started showing my ID. Another Southwest agent,
from a couple of counters over, interrupted.
---“Are you Miss Sanford?”
---“Yes.”
---“You need to call your family.”
---The mind reels in that crazy panic of
ohmygodsomethingiswrong. Dad? Sandy? Steve? And then, Oh, no, not Rick.
I was the last person in the family to see him. We had, for once, a
harmonious conversation and a very nice afternoon. All of us were duped
by him, seemingly okay, and doubly duped by this outcome.
---None of us ever dreamed he would do
something like this, and none of us ever dreamed we’d wear that
dubious label, ‘survivor.’ It is a terrible time. Adding
to the pain and sadness are the reactions of people when they hear the
news, ranging from disgust, a lack of empathy, or simply changing the
subject as if death were catching. This has been particularly pronounced
at my church where church members chose not to mention anything, instead
blithely inquiring about my new dog or my teaching schedule. Others
folks at work have asked- I am not making this up- if there was a conspiracy,
if someone pushed Rick on the tracks- or worse. Others equally insensitive,
living in other parts of the country, quickly change the subject and
inquire about Seattle’s rain this year.
---Don’t even ask.
---To those who find themselves with loved
ones in similar situations- or worse, and truly wonder what to say or
do, the answer is simple: try love.
---This is not high-level math. It is not
rocket science. It is loving one another, plain and simple. Simply say,
I am so sorry about your loss. This must be a terrible time for you.
I know you are hurting.
---Instead of asking if you can do something
to help, do something- take the initiative and make cookies, drop by
flowers, send a card, anything. One dear friend, who knew Godfrey well,
sent me an angel figurine holding a black Lab in his arms, and a letter
reminding me of the donut incident. Another offered to cover my classes
for a day. A third sent a card reminding me of my toughness: You’ll
survive, Mary, she wrote. You’re tough. Your friend always, Gerry.
---The world is a crazy, angry suspicious
place these days. We erect walls to keep the other guy out, to protect
ourselves. Butin these troubled times, we still need one another. Don’t
forget to reach out. Godfrey and Rick thank you kindly.
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